Anthony Scarnati: Smartest Man in the World
A Satirical Article By MAX DREW and JACKSON WEINREB
Anthony Scarnati: loving father, devoted husband, thoughtful son, lord, witty teacher, friendly friend, defender of the Constitution, recreational basket weaver, and professional bomb diffuser. The Jericho High School Sociology teacher is widely known throughout the community as all of these, but what most students don’t know is that Anthony Scarnati knows all.
Scarnati has a planner that can accurately predict every upcoming event. When two former Sociology students of his, Max Drew and Jackson Weinreb, decided to skip class and stay in the cafeteria one day, two minutes into the period, they saw Mr. Scarnati standing at the cafeteria door, looking at them. Scarnati reportedly said, “I had it written down in my book that on October 22, 2013, two students of mine, Jackson Weinreb and Max Drew, would cut my class.” Drew said, “Shortly before he showed up, a carrier pigeon brought me a note that read, ‘I’m coming for you,’ and before I knew it, Anthony was standing at the door.” Weinreb stated, “We know that social forces put pressure on us as seniors to cut classes, but we will never shortchange Mr. Scarnati again.”
Another former Sociology student of his, Alex Tolpin, relayed a tale that further emphasizes the extent of Scarnati’s all-knowing powers: “The day after we handed in our big research paper, we all walked into class, and he was just standing there. He told us he already had our papers graded, and to look at our palms. So, I looked, and out of nowhere a number appeared in my hand. He said that the number we saw was our grade. It was the craziest thing I’d ever seen.”
Aside from being a genius, Anthony Scarnati is also a seltzer enthusiast, his preferred brand being White Rock. He was once an avid Vintage Seltzer fan until they relocated. Scarnati explained, “Ever since they moved to Florida, their product has been worse than that time One Direction broke up. Wait, you don’t know about that yet.”
If this article doesn’t open your eyes to the true Anthony Scarnati, we don’t know what will. Long live Lord Scarnati.