Faculty Bake-off Gets Messy
A Satirical Article By ANDREW GREENBLATT and SPENCER SHAPIRO
Nothing is as innocent as a bake sale, it just beckons the American spirit. So how can something so inherently harmless and irreproachable turn so malicious so quickly? At Jericho High School, the answer was made clear.
The idea was simple–have the faculty of the school bake a variety of different confections to sell to the students during their lunch periods. The students then vote for their favorite desserts, and a winning teacher is chosen. Easy, right? It leaves the masses wondering where this sale of bake went wrong. It is best explained in four words: Battle of the Classes.
The twist to Faculty bake-off was that the teachers competing represent different grades in the annual Battle of the Classes, an all-out, no-holds-barred, Rodney-King-Riot-esque clash of the grades. The teachers with the most votes in the bake sale competition would be awarded points for their class. Everyone who has ever heard of Jericho High School knows that BOC is probably the biggest event in the northeast region of the United States, often resulting in broken clavicles, bloody noses, and crippling depression. The innocent teacher bake sale was no exception.
The cafeteria was in shambles Monday as the teachers fought and clawed for students’ votes. The bake sale started off with a bang when Mr. Devlin’s Scottish pudding pies exploded. After an investigation of what went wrong, the security cameras display Mr. Clarkin slyly injecting explosive chemicals into the pies. Following the eruptions, another teacher was caught cheating during the bake sale tasting when Ms. Ryder accused Mr. Kramer’s cookies of plagiarism. Ms. Ryder stated, “I knew those cookies tasted familiar, so I took it upon myself to submit them to turnitin.com where I ultimately found 95 per cent plagiarism. That scoundrel Mr. Kramer didn’t even bake; he just dumped out boxes of Girl Scout cookies onto a platter!”
The chaos continued when Mr. Cabra was caught trying to spike the other cookies with a Peruvian Puff Pepper, a notoriously illegal substance known to cause kidney failure and chapped lips. Cabra was immediately handcuffed by the security guard and taken into custody. But the madness did not stop there. At roughly 11:15 a.m., a shoving match initiated when the malevolent Ms. Valenza ‘accidentally’ tipped over the tray containing Ms. Hederian’s signature cupcakes. “Seeing this teacher on teacher hatred, especially between teachers in the same department,” said Dr. Artiles, who witnessed the violence firsthand, “is just despicable.”
Just when it seemed like the bake sale couldn’t get any worse, a local freshmen uncovered that Ms. Zahn’s signature “Algebrownies” and “Trig Newtons” contained peanuts. Pandemonium followed when senior Adam Rosnickle went into anaphylactic shock and collapsed on the floor. Rosnickle was rushed to the health office, but Nurse Reshef could not be found, for she was in the competition selling her world-renowned Hamentashen. “It was the worst brownie I’ve ever had…” Rosnickle stated when asked later about the ordeal, “and I’ve had a lot of brownies in my day.”
Overall, this year’s teacher bake sale will go down as one of the more memorable school organized events in history. We will have to wait and see if the event will be repeated again next year.