JHS Purchases “Find My Student” App for all Staff

A Satirical Article By SUMAYYAH SIDDIQUI and BHAVANA RAGIPANI

JerUh-Oh

Imagine a world where teachers, principals, parents, and administrators can easily track and find students. Now, imagine that world is ours. The “Find My Student” app, invented three weeks ago, can do just this—it makes finding students convenient and easy.

This app was created by Kyle Brode, gym teacher and student tracker extraordinaire. The app hunts down students by using a tracking device located on the barcode of the student IDs. Brode said, “Instead of wasting my free time roaming the halls, I can spend more time hitting the gym. The app is a necessary precaution to make sure that no one is trying to run away from gym.” Although this practice is relatively new, it is very effective in reducing the number of student cuts.

Another benefactor of this novel app is Mr. Levine, who is in charge of cut slips and attendance. Mr. Levine said that thanks to the invention of this app, “he no longer receives an influx of  daily cut slips.”

There are rumors circulating among the administration that in two or three days, there will be an extraction team established consisting of Mr. Levine and Mr. Brode who will be in charge of finding students in their hiding places, reprimanding them, and sending them back to class. We can expect to see extensive use of “Find My Student” by every teacher, resulting in a decline in student cuts.

School Map

“Find My Student” screen shot showing marked locations of hiding students.

When questioned about her opinion on the app, senior Taylor Kay stated, “My rights are being violated! I’m being stalked by my teachers! I’m going to call my lawyers and get them to use that DASA thing.”

“Find My Student” is available for purchase on the app store for $5.99.

 

21 Comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

  • mellene hederian
    1 April 2014 at 9:52 pm - Reply

    I could have used this app when I taught spring semester seniors back in the day. Very clever!

  • Saaior
    1 April 2014 at 2:30 pm - Reply

    I liked it. The names chosen for the main characters were creative

  • Emily Mueller and Naomi Albinder
    1 April 2014 at 2:28 pm - Reply

    We’d leave our ID’s at home if this app existed! Too funny!

  • Deborah Gabay
    1 April 2014 at 2:22 pm - Reply

    This article is very well written, and I like how you added the comment about the cut slips.

  • Lara
    1 April 2014 at 2:21 pm - Reply

    This is so funny, but I would feel a little weird if this app existed.

  • Jenny
    1 April 2014 at 2:20 pm - Reply

    This is funny! I think I know exactly which teacher you’re talking about haha! A really good satirical piece

  • Keerthana
    1 April 2014 at 2:20 pm - Reply

    I really like your idea! It s really unique and funny too! Your image for the app looks real too.

  • Jason Perlman
    1 April 2014 at 2:19 pm - Reply

    Very funny, I hope this app never actually gets made. I laughed at the quote from the gym teacher

  • Yeajin
    1 April 2014 at 2:18 pm - Reply

    HAHA!! This article is really clever
    I’m pretty sure every student will be afraid to cut if this was real!

  • giulia
    1 April 2014 at 1:10 pm - Reply

    great concept. very funny

  • Sabrina Berman
    1 April 2014 at 1:03 pm - Reply

    Funny!!!! This app would catch all the kids who cut class for sure

  • Alanna and Rachel
    1 April 2014 at 12:53 pm - Reply

    Very funny article, love how they are “running away from gym”

  • Chloe Citron
    1 April 2014 at 12:49 pm - Reply

    The pictures you created added to the article really well. It made it funnier.

  • alexander matthew scottland
    1 April 2014 at 11:41 am - Reply

    This is a great article. Very funny!

  • Tyler and Jaffee
    1 April 2014 at 11:40 am - Reply

    This is perfect. No more cutting for students.

  • Gunika
    1 April 2014 at 11:39 am - Reply

    This is a very cute article! I think the app thing is a funny idea. I always see teachers trying to find their kids in the cafeteria or the halls.

  • Sharon
    1 April 2014 at 11:37 am - Reply

    Great job! Your idea is very creative and funny!

  • Britney Spears
    1 April 2014 at 11:32 am - Reply

    The concept of this article is very funny.

  • Rachel Gersten
    1 April 2014 at 11:32 am - Reply

    Very creative idea! Loved the part about DASA. Very funny.

  • Tarang
    1 April 2014 at 10:57 am - Reply

    This would be useful for someone like Mr. Levins

  • ian goodman
    1 April 2014 at 10:03 am - Reply

    Very funny, I would hate for this app to exist! HAHAHAHA

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