JHS Purchases “Find My Student” App for all Staff
A Satirical Article By SUMAYYAH SIDDIQUI and BHAVANA RAGIPANI
Imagine a world where teachers, principals, parents, and administrators can easily track and find students. Now, imagine that world is ours. The “Find My Student” app, invented three weeks ago, can do just this—it makes finding students convenient and easy.
This app was created by Kyle Brode, gym teacher and student tracker extraordinaire. The app hunts down students by using a tracking device located on the barcode of the student IDs. Brode said, “Instead of wasting my free time roaming the halls, I can spend more time hitting the gym. The app is a necessary precaution to make sure that no one is trying to run away from gym.” Although this practice is relatively new, it is very effective in reducing the number of student cuts.
Another benefactor of this novel app is Mr. Levine, who is in charge of cut slips and attendance. Mr. Levine said that thanks to the invention of this app, “he no longer receives an influx of daily cut slips.”
There are rumors circulating among the administration that in two or three days, there will be an extraction team established consisting of Mr. Levine and Mr. Brode who will be in charge of finding students in their hiding places, reprimanding them, and sending them back to class. We can expect to see extensive use of “Find My Student” by every teacher, resulting in a decline in student cuts.
When questioned about her opinion on the app, senior Taylor Kay stated, “My rights are being violated! I’m being stalked by my teachers! I’m going to call my lawyers and get them to use that DASA thing.”
“Find My Student” is available for purchase on the app store for $5.99.