Ms. Hederian Fills Billion Dollar Bracket

A Satirical Article By ARIANNA SCAVONE

JerUh-Oh

Jericho High School’s very own English teacher, Mellene Hederian, has recently announced that she has accurately predicted the billion dollar bracket for this year’s March Madness competition. She is excited to spend her new fortune on props for her English classroom, pizza parties for the entire high school, and brand new furry play mansions for  her cats.

March Madness participants across the nation compete annually in hopes of creating the perfect bracket, and this year billionaire Warren Buffett upped the stakes by offering one billion dollars to the lucky basketball enthusiast with a flawless selection of teams. Millions of Americans competed this March with high aspirations and eyes glued to the TV screen. “It’s nearly impossible,” said March Madness fanatic and JHS senior Joe Rennis. “No one can accurately predict something like that.”

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Mellene Hederian  plans to share her winnings and her affinity for cats with the JHS community.

However, against all odds, Ms. Hederian picked the perfect bracket, and will be flown on a private jet to meet Warren Buffett and rightfully claim her prize money. According to Hederian, the process was quite simple. “I don’t even really watch college basketball,” Hederian said.  “Actually, my cat, Oedipus, walked across my computer keyboard and entered the contest for me.”

If only it were so easy for the rest of the JHS community. Several students who participated, envious of their teacher’s fortune, are now hoping to reap the benefits of having a billionaire for an English teacher. Sophomore students are acing tests, leaving polished apples on Hederian’s desk, and behaving unusually well in class in hopes of receiving generous rewards. “I figure that if I reenact Lord of the Flies with cats, Ms. Hederian will cancel our English final and throw a party instead,” said sophomore Sherman Boroush. Mr. Darr, a fellow Jericho teacher, said that he, too, hopes to share in some of his co-worker’s fortune. “Mellene and I have been sharing a classroom for a while now, so I’m expecting something big. Maybe a first edition Shakespeare?” he said.

Hederian has told reporters that although she now has enough money to lavishly support herself, her husband, and her five cats for their rest of their lives, she plans on continuing to teach at Jericho for the sake of her beloved pupils. “I really do love my students,” Hederian said as she corrected grammar mistakes and subtracted points from her students’ essays.

Hederian’s first line of action as a newly minted billionaire will be to visit the Egyptian Sphinx with her five cats. “They will get to see how cats have been destined to rule Earth since the dawn of time,” said Hederian. “And maybe we’ll take some cute pictures, too!”

17 Comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

  • Kavi
    1 April 2014 at 2:26 pm - Reply

    I should’ve had my cat pick my bracket

  • Deborah Gabay
    1 April 2014 at 2:24 pm - Reply

    Nice article! I almost fell off my chair laughing at the mention of Ms. Hederian’s cat, Oedipus.

  • Albertito
    1 April 2014 at 2:19 pm - Reply

    Que bien articulo! Es el mejor de todos los articulos en el “Jer-uhoh”. Gracias

  • Kitty Purry
    1 April 2014 at 2:16 pm - Reply

    I love how the cat ran across the keyboard and chose it for her. New take on a well known idea. #furryplaymansions

  • danielle goodstadt
    1 April 2014 at 1:09 pm - Reply

    This is very funny!!!!! Especially the cat part

  • brady
    1 April 2014 at 12:55 pm - Reply

    great article! ms hederian sure loves her cats!

  • Evan Silvera
    1 April 2014 at 12:53 pm - Reply

    I loved the cat reference!

  • Mikaela Adwar
    1 April 2014 at 12:53 pm - Reply

    Absolutely loved the references to Lord of the Flies and Ms. Hederian’s cats! What a funny article!

  • Alexis Corbin
    1 April 2014 at 12:51 pm - Reply

    It was funny how you said the kids will reenact Lord of the Flies with cats, because Mrs. Hederian loves cats.

  • Rachel Hirschheimer
    1 April 2014 at 12:50 pm - Reply

    I loved how Mrs. Hederian luckily guessed the billion dollar bracket.

  • Chloe Citron
    1 April 2014 at 12:46 pm - Reply

    The joke about Ms. Hederian’s cat walking across the keyboard was really funny.

  • Sharon
    1 April 2014 at 11:27 am - Reply

    I love the whole thing with the cats because everyone knows Ms. Hederian’s obsession with cats. The picture also really ties it all together. Great job!

  • Rachel Gersten
    1 April 2014 at 11:21 am - Reply

    This article is hilarious and accurately mocks Ms. Hederian’s love for her cats and her students. Laughed out loud at the “Lord of the Flies” reference. Awesome job!

  • Scott Pergament
    1 April 2014 at 10:43 am - Reply

    This was very funny, but Hederian’s chances of winning is incredibly unlikely.

  • A
    1 April 2014 at 10:34 am - Reply

    Very well written. The descriptions of what Ms. Hederian will use her winnings for were comical, yet accurate. I loved the ending!

  • Josh Solomon
    1 April 2014 at 10:10 am - Reply

    I loved that her cat chose the bracket for her, it would probably be the best way to choose your bracket.

  • Amy Cai
    1 April 2014 at 9:59 am - Reply

    I think that the comments about Ms. Hederian’s cats were funny.
    For example, in the first paragraph when it talks about what she will do with the billion dollars, the furry play mansion ideas were funny.

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