Ms. Hederian Fills Billion Dollar Bracket
A Satirical Article By ARIANNA SCAVONE
Jericho High School’s very own English teacher, Mellene Hederian, has recently announced that she has accurately predicted the billion dollar bracket for this year’s March Madness competition. She is excited to spend her new fortune on props for her English classroom, pizza parties for the entire high school, and brand new furry play mansions for her cats.
March Madness participants across the nation compete annually in hopes of creating the perfect bracket, and this year billionaire Warren Buffett upped the stakes by offering one billion dollars to the lucky basketball enthusiast with a flawless selection of teams. Millions of Americans competed this March with high aspirations and eyes glued to the TV screen. “It’s nearly impossible,” said March Madness fanatic and JHS senior Joe Rennis. “No one can accurately predict something like that.”
However, against all odds, Ms. Hederian picked the perfect bracket, and will be flown on a private jet to meet Warren Buffett and rightfully claim her prize money. According to Hederian, the process was quite simple. “I don’t even really watch college basketball,” Hederian said. “Actually, my cat, Oedipus, walked across my computer keyboard and entered the contest for me.”
If only it were so easy for the rest of the JHS community. Several students who participated, envious of their teacher’s fortune, are now hoping to reap the benefits of having a billionaire for an English teacher. Sophomore students are acing tests, leaving polished apples on Hederian’s desk, and behaving unusually well in class in hopes of receiving generous rewards. “I figure that if I reenact Lord of the Flies with cats, Ms. Hederian will cancel our English final and throw a party instead,” said sophomore Sherman Boroush. Mr. Darr, a fellow Jericho teacher, said that he, too, hopes to share in some of his co-worker’s fortune. “Mellene and I have been sharing a classroom for a while now, so I’m expecting something big. Maybe a first edition Shakespeare?” he said.
Hederian has told reporters that although she now has enough money to lavishly support herself, her husband, and her five cats for their rest of their lives, she plans on continuing to teach at Jericho for the sake of her beloved pupils. “I really do love my students,” Hederian said as she corrected grammar mistakes and subtracted points from her students’ essays.
Hederian’s first line of action as a newly minted billionaire will be to visit the Egyptian Sphinx with her five cats. “They will get to see how cats have been destined to rule Earth since the dawn of time,” said Hederian. “And maybe we’ll take some cute pictures, too!”