One Tree Hilaria Epidemic
A Satirical Article By NIKKI DUKOFF and EVAN SILVERA
Although the television series concluded in 2012, One Tree Hill is suddenly a must-see amongst teenagers.
In the middle of the 2013-2014 school year, an epidemic spread throughout Jericho High School: One Tree Hilaria, an extreme fascination female high school students have with One Tree Hill. This epidemic is frightening both teachers and parents who view those affected by the plague as “overwhelmingly emotional” and in “seriously damaged psychological states of mind.” Multiple cases of teenage girls waking up at approximately 3:23 in the morning screaming, “Always and forever!”, a commonly used phrase in the show, have been reported.
The Jericho High School administration received other alarming reports stating that multiple students are filing for emancipated minor status and aiming to get married at the age of 17. In addition, students have come together to form Jericho’s latest club: One Tree Hill Awareness. The president of the organization, Lauren Dolowich, shared with us that the club is starting a program in which its members send covers of themselves singing Gavin Degraw’s “I Don’t Want to Be” with hopes that the artist will recognize their massive admiration for him. Club member Sammi Stein agrees that One Tree Hill has changed students’ lives in a way that no other show can parallel.
Hair stylist Katie Ryan from Ambiance Salon reported that many girls have been coming into the salon requesting to get perms in order to mimic Peyton Sawyer’s hairstyle. Similarly, recent reports from a local tattoo parlor have also stated that girls are walking through their doors requesting a tattoo of the quote, “It’s the oldest story in the world. One day you’re 17 and planning for someday. And then quietly and without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And that someday is yesterday. And this is your life.”
Furthermore, Bloomingdale’s has been flooded with JHS students searching for Brooke Davis’ fashion line, Clothes Over Bros. Consequently, several dozen employees have been rushed to the hospital for denying that Clothes Over Bros is legitimate.
All of the female students of JHS have been moping around the halls in a depressed stupor after having finished the series. Parents have spoken to the administration about banning students from watching One Tree Hill so that students will be able to focus on their academics. Parents have also been thinking about suing Netflix for their children’s irrational behavior.
If you notice your loved ones coming down with the highly contagious One Tree Hilaria, please report it to a doctor immediately.