Oreo Investigation: Drugs or Just Delicious?
A Satirical Article By ALISON LIEBERMAN and ALEX MARSHALL
After Nabisco released the highly-anticipated cookie dough and marshmallow crispy renditions of its famous Oreo cookie, the number of Oreos being sold has skyrocketed. However, some people are questioning the Oreo corporation, inquiring if addictive drugs are being used in the Oreo production process to increase consumption and crumble the competition.
Following these suspicions, federal investigators were hired to examine the ingredients of the cookies. They discovered that the addictive drug Clanopan has been injected into each Oreo produced. Usually used in the production of recreational drugs, Clanopan is being used by the Nabisco specifically to increase revenue. The drug has been found to specialize in short-term effects, such as causing the mind to constantly crave the product and salivate excessively.
Ever since the end of January, when Nabisco announced in a press conference that the two new flavors would be in stores soon, Oreos have been the only thing on Jericho students’ minds. Immediately following that announcement, Jericho High School students had their mothers rush to the local Waldbaums to wait for the Oreos to be released. The situation grew so dire with each passing day that some students were even willing to take the bus home so that their mothers could remain at the supermarket until it closed instead of picking them up promptly at the side circle.
After the first 200 boxes were tossed out to the hordes of Jericho mothers, students became obsessed after taking their first bites. Jericho High School junior Ashley Smith resorted to camping outside of Waldbaums yesterday to be first to purchase the next in-demand shipment. “I came home to a full package of marshmallow crispy Oreos yesterday, and after I blinked once I realized I ate the entire box,” she said. “That’s when the panic set in. I was left craving more, so I ran to Waldbaums, only to find them sold out.” Smith wasn’t the only one with this problem.
Many people have recently reported severe symptoms of withdrawal when the stores run out of the addictive cookies, causing them to resort to more extreme methods to get their cookie fix. John Brown, Jericho Waldbaums manager, informed us that a group of teenagers started to pound on the Waldbaums windows when he was closing the store at 1:30 a.m. attempting to gain entrance. They told Brown that they woke up drenched in sweat with a paralyzing desire to eat more Oreos after having relentless dreams about the cookies. They also told him that they were experiencing extreme migraines and stomachaches.
FDA officials are currently researching the new Oreo cookies and will ultimately decide whether Nabisco will continue to inject Clanopan into its Oreos. The prevailing public sentiment, however, is that without the drug, the Oreo would be doomed. So it seems that people will just have to sacrifice their mental health in addition to already sacrificing their physical well-being if they want to enjoy the newly addictive Oreo cookies. And that’s the way the cookie crumbles.