Twittpocalypse Now

A Satirical Article By MIKAELA ADWAR

JerUh-Oh

The resounding sounds of outrage heard from the mouths of Jericho students were sent reverberating across the entirety of Long Island. Mass hysteria has hit the school district. Twitter and Snapchat….HAVE. BEEN. BLOCKED. Without this unlimited access to Twitter and Snapchat, students are in a state of total and utter despair. More and more students have been seen sitting in their classes staring down at their empty laps with their fingers moving in unidentifiable patterns of typing. Mumblings of “hashtag” and “trending topic” can be heard throughout the boisterous hallways.

Forced to actually notice their surroundings, students have repeatedly avoided collisions in the T, causing everyone to make it to class before the ringing of the second bell. Perhaps even more startling, Jericho students have now taken the time to notice the awful decor in the hallways and have decided to begin picketing Ms. Rosenberg’s office in an effort to change the puke-green wall color and add more flattering lighting for selfie taking.

Devoid of their Twitter use, students are now speaking in “140 characters or less” and incorporating hashtags into their speech and their writing. Ms. Bouler, an A.P. Composition teacher, said, “In the Macbeth essay that I assigned last week, I noticed that many of my students swapped out the word “you” for the letter “u” and the word “are” for the letter “r.” To make matters even more horrifying, seven of my students repeatedly used “#ambition”, “#motif”, “#hubris” and “#bloody.” Ms. Kahan, a Pre-Calculus teacher added, “On the last couple of questions of my last two tests, students have written “#impossible” in the margins and have limited their explanations of their answers to under 140 letters, even ending their explanations in the middle of a word.”

In addition, without SnapChat, students have diminished ability to circulate pointless selfies and sneaky snaps of teachers, and have now resorted to using their iPhone camera to email photos. Administration has seen numerous cases of students drawing on one another’s faces with Sharpie markers as a result of their inability to doodle brightly-colored facial hair on a snap of a neighboring peer. Students, and even teachers, have been seen parading around the hallways with marker mustaches, beards, and even unibrows drawn on their faces. Junior Allison Saddy noted, “Now that I can only communicate with my camp friends via text, it has become a lot more challenging to stay in touch. I can no longer send them pictures of myself cross-eyed with double-chins or fifteen-second glimpses into my math class, and texting just takes so much effort. Without SnapChat, what does the school expect me to do in the hallways and when I have substitute teachers? Honestly, I am considering paying a group of undercover operatives to break into Ms. Rosenberg’s office and unblock these sites. It’s imperative to my mental health.”

Due to the blockage of these social messaging apps, guidance counselors and psychologists are suggesting that students find alternative outlets for their emotions and discover their callings in additional activities. Senior Jessica Frownstein said, “Mr. Benjamin recommended that I could actually start verbally communicating my feelings instead of sub-tweeting about them when my friends are obnoxious. He also said I could doodle in the margins of my notebooks like he did when he was in high school instead of drawing on SnapChats of my friends. But really, thank God I can still check Instagram during the school day.”

14 Comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

  • ashley
    7 April 2014 at 12:35 pm - Reply

    So true and so funny! I love twitter! the school shouldn’t block social media sites, its just wrong.

  • mellene hederian
    1 April 2014 at 10:20 pm - Reply

    I love the title and the part about Bouler’s AP Macbeth essays being riddled with hashtags! #Banquosghost, #ThaneofCawdor. You get the idea…lol… great satire!

  • Deborah Gabay
    1 April 2014 at 2:32 pm - Reply

    Nice article! I have no idea what I would do without social media, I’d be bored out of my mind.

  • Albertito
    1 April 2014 at 2:27 pm - Reply

    Ay dios mío, hay un apocalipsis pasando?! Yo no sabía.

  • Emily Mueller and Naomi Albinder
    1 April 2014 at 2:16 pm - Reply

    We want snapchat back! Someone break into Ms. Rosenberg’s office!

  • Chloe Citron
    1 April 2014 at 1:05 pm - Reply

    The funniest part was about how students were drawing on each others faces with sharpies and how they were writing “#impossible” on their tests. I should do that more often. 😀

  • Evan Silvera
    1 April 2014 at 12:56 pm - Reply

    SO funny! Snapchat and Twitter being blocked is the absolute worst. Fantastic job.

  • Britney Spears
    1 April 2014 at 11:47 am - Reply

    I like the end of the article. It was very ironic

  • Rachel Gersten
    1 April 2014 at 11:45 am - Reply

    Very funny and true article! I miss snapchat in school! Awesome job.

  • Alex Lashley and Kaitlyn Hildenbrand
    1 April 2014 at 11:35 am - Reply

    we love twitter! this was so accurate and funny

  • Chris
    1 April 2014 at 10:55 am - Reply

    Very funny, but people like me that hardly use social media and don’t have smartphones may have a hard time understanding what “hashtag” and “trending topics” are.

  • Agnes
    1 April 2014 at 10:20 am - Reply

    I really enjoyed reading this, it was very funny 🙂

  • Concerned Student :(
    1 April 2014 at 10:13 am - Reply

    So true. What do we do without these social medias?

  • Imani Sewell
    1 April 2014 at 10:02 am - Reply

    I thought that the part where students have avoided collisions in the T, causing them to get to class on time was really funny. It’s funny how that statement was made as if it was a bad thing.

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