N.O.S.P.I.R.I.T. Strikes Again
A Satirical Report
By MIKAELA ADWAR and SAM NEWMAN
In the depths of the Jericho High School teachers’ workroom lies an ominous message, written using one of the most archaic methods – a typewriter. This mysterious bulletin reads as follows:
Sick of 10 minute announcements taking up your class time? Tired of shortened periods for Battle of the Classes? Annoyed with poorly executed school events? Fed up with all those spirited students? Well we have solution for you. Faculty Cafeteria. March 31st. 0700. Be there or be spirited.
Though the signature was ominous, the message was clear: a group of teachers will do anything in their power to disband the Student Council. Signs of this unnamed group have appeared throughout the school year. First, Jay Jay the Jayhawk’s head mysteriously went missing. Though it was eventually recovered, the group’s tactics since became even more calculated and devious: the auditorium ceiling collapsed the weekend before Fashion Show, a snow day postponed Pajama Day during Spirit Week, the fire alarm sounded during the filming of the Lip Dub, and most noticeably, bake sales were banned, which the group had the audacity to blame on our First Lady.
All of their efforts were thwarted by the Student Council, which refused to surrender their spirit. Despite N.O.S.P.I.R.I.T.’s efforts, Battle of the Classes went off without a hitch. The Lip Dub, despite a failed first attempt, has garnered over 10,000 views on YouTube since its publication. Student Council, in conjunction with Mr. Spirit himself, Dr. Artiles, has launched a full-fledged investigation, and recently released this statement:
“We will stop at nothing to find the perpetrators of these heinous atrocities. How dare they mess with our spirit! We have put our best Science Research and Forensics students on the case.”
Upon further inspection, it appeared that the letter had a small stain in the upper right hand corner. After being analyzed in Lab 305, the stain was traced back to the coffee machine in the teachers’ workroom, which led us to ponder the question, “How many teachers drink coffee in the morning?” Ultimately, the results were inconclusive.
Though the perpetrators of these crimes are still at large, further information on the group was unearthed. The New Obstructive Society of People and Instructors who Really want Intensive Teaching, or N.O.S.P.I.R.I.T., was established at the beginning of the 2014-2015 academic year as, according to their mission statement, many teachers “were too overwhelmed with the outpouring of spirit from our students this year” and “needed more class time for AP preparation.”
When Dr. Artiles heard about the news, he was shocked and quoted his favorite song, “Haters gonna hate hate hate, but I’m just going to shake it off, shake it off.”