By Invader Zim, Director of the Academy of Extra-terrestrial Americans

For years the space-dwelling community has been snubbed by the Academy.  This year was particularly telling when not even one alien picked up an award.  It’s a disgrace that such talented life forms are constantly left award-less. There was not a single Martian in “The Martian.”  They brought Matt Damon home but my people can’t bring home a single award.  My people are as diverse as Lady Gaga’s outfits, but as far as winning is concerned it hasn’t “happened to us.”

We have so much to offer audiences. Perhaps you saw “Interstellar,” the heart breaking tale of my morning commute.  Now some of you may want me to hop off my flying saucer and just be happy with my Nickelodeon money, but when is the last time you saw a non-earthborn portrayed positively.  I would wager that it was ET, the story of an illegal alien who comes to this country under distress and the movie ends with him deporting himself.  We are constantly being shot at by men in black suits or starship troopers that are sailing on by. The titular Xenomorph alien from Ridley Scott’s “Alien” gets absolutely no credit while Ripley gets all the praise. Its xenophobia, plain and simple, and I hope that Hollywood overcomes this hurdle.

internal immage for the better oscar meyer

The Academy has often denied the nomination to extra-terrestrial Americans, saying their work is “weird and alien.”

And don’t even get me started on airports. Do you know how difficult it is to park a spaceship?  And may I just add that contrary to popular belief Mars does not in fact need your moms. I have compiled a comprehensive report with 51 areas of complaint that must be addressed by the local Oscar Academy Board in Roswell, New Mexico.

There are many of us who have been forced into hiding and pretend to be human in order to gain recognition.  These may look like people, but you can recognize them by their seemingly eternal youth, (Rob Lowe and Keanu Reeves just to name a few). Other less fortunate beings have never recovered from their transformation into human and have gone veritably insane. My 3 hearts and soul go out to Kanye West and Charlie Sheen, the most visible faces of this universal problem. We are constantly getting a bad rap in the media, whether it’s Katy Perry or “X Files.” We are truly being oppressed.

But I can yell about this stuff until I’m green in the face. It is going to take some interstellar effort from Hollywood producers to truly give aliens a voice.

Written by Rob Flaks 

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