Mankowich Promises to Make Jericho Great Again

By NICK ALBICOCCO and RYAN KAMBER

Assistant Principal John Mankowich has announced his plans to make Jericho High School great again. In a statement released during a Board meeting last night, Mr. Mankowich explained his 3 point plan to revolutionize Jericho High School.

The first point of his plan is to have a wall built between the Middle School and the High School. He said, “Every year, too many middle school students claiming they are heading to Home and Careers are found deep in the High School. We need to put a stop to this illegal migration.” Mr. Mankowich has pledged not to pay for the wall, insisting that Dr. Gately will pay for its completion.

Next, Mr. Mankowich intends to get rid of all 267 Jericho High School staff members by spray painting “You’re fired!” on the walls of the brand new auditorium. Obviously, this mass firing would mean that students would learn absolutely nothing each day in school, which is fine by Mr. Mankowich since he “loves the poorly educated.”

“This is a great picture, a fantastic picture; I’m the best at getting pictures of me. Just look at my beautiful hair” proclaimed Mr. Mankowich

“This is a great picture, a fantastic picture. I’m the best at getting pictures of me. Just look at my beautiful hair,” proclaimed Mr. Mankowich.

Finally, when asked about the school budget, Mr. Mankowich sidestepped the question and spoke about his third point. “Our biggest problem in this town is the barbaric ways of ICES. Those savages with their un-American ices, and their blenders and their medium-sized cups are invoking fear into the very hearts of Jericho students. Who do they think they are?”

There was much criticism over these outlandish ideas, with many Board members publicly blasting Mr. Mankowich at a recent meeting. He quickly cut them off, called them “liars,” and told Mr. Grishman to “get ’em out of here.” The remaining attendants stayed silent, then quickly went into a “Make Jericho Great Again” chant. Numerous parents, who were previously banned from Board of Education meetings, protested against Mr. Mankowich by the front circle, and it didn’t take long for things to get out of hand. Many were told to leave and those who didn’t were told that their children would have to suffer through 184 days of Battle of the Classes if they didn’t depart. Upon hearing this, the crowd scattered quickly.

When asked who helped him come up with these brash ideas, Mr. Mankowich said, “I’m speaking with myself, because I have a very good brain.”

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