Weekly Horoscopes


Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20) – The stars think that you spend too much time on your phone. Go for a run or something. There’s a reason why you’re out of breath walking to science class.

Aries (March 21 to April 19) – You may think it’s wise to engage in an argument with Mr. Scarnati today about health care. But it’s not. Don’t do it, I’m warning you.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20) – You’re going to go to Lifetime tomorrow. The stars don’t care how many people are there; you’re going. Don’t get into an accident in the parking lot, though!


Mr. Levins is a Scorpio too!

Gemini (May 21 to June 20) – The stars want you to give up your Starbucks addiction. Maybe go on one of those cleanses that everyone is always trying. They’re gross but, BAHAS!!

Cancer (June 21 to July 22) – Find something to live for other than eating Ralph’s ices.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22) – Your mom is going to forget to bring in your lunch tomorrow. Oh well, guess you’ll starve because there’s no way you’re eating that overpriced pizza bagel for lunch.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) – Feeling stressed about college? Go look out the window at the beautiful courtyard. Oh wait, you can’t because the windows are covered and the courtyard has a dead bird in it. Whoops!

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) – You are meant to hang out in the library all day because the first five letters of library are LIBRA. Just remember, there’s NO EATING in the library.


Mrs. Kahan is fed up with your pathetic excuses for being late to her class.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) – The stars know you don’t want to go to class today. What’s Mr. Levins going to do to you anyway? He’s a fellow Scorpio.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) – You better not be late to school again tomorrow. Mrs. Kahan is getting sick of your “traffic” and “overslept” excuses.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) – What would you do if LitCharts, Sparknotes, and Shmoop didn’t exist? Seriously, maybe you should start reading the books assigned to you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 19) – Sometimes it’s important to remember that you’ll never be as cool as Dr. Artiles. And that’s okay. Just do you. Even if you are feeling like a sad sack of potatoes.

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