A Satirical Article By RACHEL GERSTEN and MUKTA OBEROI
Breaking News: Jericho High School’s staff is under attack, and no teacher, no substitute, and no administrator has been spared. A terrorist group, The B+sheviks, has overthrown Jericho’s administration and now possesses full control over all people who walk through the halls of Jericho High. This group would be incomplete without its two rulers: Mr. Levins, ruler of all things yellow, and Ms. Ryder, who has yet to wake up on the right side of the bed. If you dare utter a word in her library, she will throw you out and you will land in the next zip code.
The group was recently seen withholding some of JHS teachers’ favorite things until the teachers agree to raise their grades. Mr. Scarnati reports, “I was locked in my classroom with a life-sized cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber while my favorite White Rock seltzer was locked in a safe, just a mere three feet away from me, but I couldn’t crack the code. Justin Bieber’s horrid song “Baby” was being blasted throughout the room. I was in agony. I had no choice but to change Charles’ grade from a B to an A.”
Our next sighting of the attacks was in room 255, home of Suzanne Valenza. She is often seen drafting her 11 p.m. text messages to her Creative Writing students. When she isn’t drafting, she is leading the up and coming Video Yearbook club. The B+sheviks barged in on one of the meetings about the school wide lip dub and threw all of the 80 Video Yearbook officers out of the room. The group banned Valenza from uttering a single word about the JerEcho or the Video Yearbook. They proceeded to block the JerEcho on all school computers and delete the school’s NoodleTools account. While Ms. Valenza was trying to remain strong and not give in to the group’s requests, the group forced her to reveal her true identity as Janet Burroway to the school over a mass Remind 101 text message. Ms. Valenza then changed their grades from a B+ to an A before any more torture could ensue.
While many believe that if that’s the grade you earned, so B it, the B+sheviks clearly disagree.