aBove Average

A Satirical Article By RACHEL GERSTEN and MUKTA OBEROI

JerUh-Oh

Scarnati-150x300

Breaking News: Jericho High School’s staff is under attack, and no teacher, no substitute, and no administrator has been spared. A terrorist group, The B+sheviks,  has overthrown Jericho’s administration and now possesses full control over all people who walk through the halls of Jericho High. This group would be incomplete without its two rulers: Mr. Levins, ruler of all things yellow, and Ms. Ryder, who has yet to wake up on the right side of the bed. If you dare utter a word in her library, she will throw you out and you will land in the next zip code.

The group was recently seen withholding some of JHS teachers’ favorite things until the teachers agree to raise their grades. Mr. Scarnati reports, “I was locked in my classroom with a life-sized cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber while my favorite White Rock seltzer was locked in a safe, just a mere three feet away from me, but I couldn’t crack the code. Justin Bieber’s horrid song “Baby” was being blasted throughout the room. I was in agony. I had no choice but to change Charles’ grade from a B to an A.” 

Our next sighting of the attacks was in room 255, home of Suzanne Valenza. She is often seen drafting her 11 p.m. text messages to her Creative Writing students. When she isn’t drafting, she is leading the up and coming Video Yearbook club. The B+sheviks barged in on one of the meetings about the school wide lip dub and threw all of the 80 Video Yearbook officers out of the room. The group banned Valenza from uttering a single word about the JerEcho or the Video Yearbook. They proceeded to block the JerEcho on all school computers and delete the school’s NoodleTools account. While Ms. Valenza was trying to remain strong and not give in to the group’s requests, the group forced her to reveal her true identity as Janet Burroway to the school over a mass Remind 101 text message. Ms. Valenza then changed their grades from a B+ to an A before any more torture could ensue.

While many believe that if that’s the grade you earned, so B it, the B+sheviks clearly disagree.

24 Comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

  • Jenny
    1 April 2014 at 2:43 pm - Reply

    I used to hate Burroway but since now, according to this article, Ms. Valenza is Janet Burroway, I can’t hate her anymore hahaha

  • Sumayyah
    1 April 2014 at 2:41 pm - Reply

    I liked the pun at the end!

  • Keerthana
    1 April 2014 at 2:27 pm - Reply

    This article is great! I loved how you used the pun and the idea of Mrs.Valenza’s true identity was really funny.

  • Yeajin
    1 April 2014 at 2:25 pm - Reply

    Nice pun at the end! and torturing Mr. Scarnati by keeping his seltzer away from him….. harsh. haha!

  • Catarina
    1 April 2014 at 2:23 pm - Reply

    This is so funny!! I like the screenshot of the remind 101!!

  • Karin Yehoudian
    1 April 2014 at 2:22 pm - Reply

    this is hilarious and so original! I especially enjoyed the mental image of Scarnati trapped in his room listening to the beibs

  • Deborah Gabay
    1 April 2014 at 2:14 pm - Reply

    I like the comment about Ms. Valenza and her creative writing class. She is often sending us text messages.

  • Vishal
    1 April 2014 at 2:13 pm - Reply

    I think Ms. Valenza is Janet Burroway, too!

  • Sydney Bass
    1 April 2014 at 1:08 pm - Reply

    So B it is a great pun! great job with the play on words.

  • Evan Silvera
    1 April 2014 at 12:52 pm - Reply

    The picture of the conversation with Mrs. Valenza is so funny!

  • Alanna and Rachel
    1 April 2014 at 12:50 pm - Reply

    Loved the pun “so B it” it’s so creative

  • Alexis Corbin
    1 April 2014 at 12:47 pm - Reply

    It was really funny how you mentioned Mr. Scarnati’s White Rock Seltzer. He is always drinking it!

  • Rachel Hirschheimer
    1 April 2014 at 12:46 pm - Reply

    The part about not talking in the library and how Ms. Ryder would throw you out to the next zip code was funny!

  • Chloe Citron
    1 April 2014 at 12:44 pm - Reply

    I really liked the picture that you made of the text from Valenza. It went along with the article really well.

  • Sydney Lustberg
    1 April 2014 at 11:45 am - Reply

    I think the whole idea was very funny. It is very true how crazy Jericho student’s are due to the extreme pressure. It is definitely satirical success making fun of the fact that a B+ is below average.

  • Smith Smithson
    1 April 2014 at 11:42 am - Reply

    I like the screenshot of the remind101 app with Mrs. Valenza. It’s very clever.

  • Chase Tolpin
    1 April 2014 at 11:22 am - Reply

    this is very funny. well done

  • Jonathan amodio
    1 April 2014 at 11:22 am - Reply

    I like how you guys poked fun at Ms. Valenza’s texts

  • Sharon
    1 April 2014 at 11:20 am - Reply

    Haha this is great. I thought the name of the “terrorist” group is very funny and the use of pun at the end is clever.

  • Scott Pergament
    1 April 2014 at 10:41 am - Reply

    The comment revealing Ms. Valenza’s true identity as Janet Burroway was very funny.

  • Chris
    1 April 2014 at 10:40 am - Reply

    Very funny! I liked how you incorporated some real things — like “Remind 101” and “Janet Burroway” into this satire piece.

  • Brianna
    1 April 2014 at 10:18 am - Reply

    Ms.Ryder is such a nice lady.

  • Tiga
    1 April 2014 at 10:16 am - Reply

    I thought this satire was very creative. The use of certain teachers for certain functions was fitting and brilliant. The article incorporated many recent, big events in Jericho. It also utilizes stereotypes, such as Jericho students demanding top grades and clubs having a tremendous amount of officers.

  • Danielle
    1 April 2014 at 10:04 am - Reply

    This article is very funny. Love the text message on the side. ( PS Video Yearbook meeting tomorrow lol )

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