A Satirical Report
By SONY DALAPATI and ZARAH KHAN
The Jericho High School Class of 2015 was the best, is the best, and will always be the best. If you haven’t already realized from our incessant screeching over the announcements, we won Battle of the Classes, which excuses us from the rest of our lives. But we’ve done other great things, too. “Superiority runs in their veins,” Dr. Artiles said.
Let’s list our greatest accomplishments:
- We’re all clearly philanthropists! What’s the best present seniors can give you? Their presence.
- We resurrected Freddie Mercury from the grave.
- Though our souls were collected by CollegeBoard at the beginning of junior year, we managed to win the Battle Cup without them.
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Ms. Valenza wonders why other classes couldn’t do as well as the class of 2015 on their research papers. We were born and clothed in Nirvana merchandise (only true ‘97 babies will understand this).
- We got a kid into Yale by 10th grade (future Wayne Gretzky, holla’).
- Two Intel Finalists. Dank.
- Forget Balenciaga bags – we rockin’ with the designer eye bags.
- We staged a boycott against the world’s worst whole wheat bagels.
- Our “senior cut day” was such a massive failure that more seniors were present than on any other day.
- SUNY Binghamton has renamed itself SUNY Jericho Class of 2015, as our acceptance rate has skyrocketed to 100%.
- We allowed everyone ample snow days using our close connections to the weather gods.
- Our prom tickets are gonna be super low this year, considering the fact that we have won three Battle of the Classes (and were cheated of our fourth win).
- Fall Out Boy released the world’s best album during our senior year. That technically wasn’t our doing, but we felt the need to inform you.